Stressful week. Much travel and things needing done; ceremony and to do lists and rounding things off. And not having much control. That which always lends itself to stress and tension and waiting for rest. Add insomnia to the mix and you’ve got the potential for disaster.
Thursday night wasn’t great but I went to the archives anyway, the lesser of two evils knowing the weight of not having done anything would be more of a burden than tiredness alone. Though I hate the travel and the cost and the whole day dissolving in front of my eyes – which is incredibly hard when so short on time – there is a peacefulness in it. It’s a beautiful place and it is nice to just focus my mind into something without much scope for a few hours. To immerse myself fully in work and for a short time keep the worries and practical thoughts locked out.
And then the respite of the weekend, even when problems are ongoing it’s so much more relaxed just the three of us, contained in one space and keeping the rest of the world out. Somehow it makes our problems smaller yet more significant all at the same time. At least we have each other.
French toast for breakfast, cheese and cinnamon. We always forget to make the best breakfasts for some reason.
Things might not be perfect but we can take our time. Letting Sandy spend half an hour eating a single piece of toast, no hurrying on the bowl and spoon and getting things done. And then we play.
Sleepsuit – Next
What is it with boys and football? I tell myself it’s the colour contrast. I hope it is. Why doesn’t he crawl towards baby tv then?
They call him fruit bowl head. And watermelon man.
It’s hard to pretend everything is okay sometimes and I suppose it’s alright to not pretend. I always jump to solutions. We both want to fix it. I’ve said before only time will fix it, that’s probably still true. Time and soothing moments.
Cool In Town vest – H&M; Rainbow bib – Dribble Ons
This man is my rock.
All of this helps.
The beauty of this face too.
There is therapy in little moments. The small things. When he plays and turns and sees you, as if he had forgotten you were there. He goes ‘ahhh!” and grabs you, pulling himself up and closer, breathing in starts like he does. It definitely helps.
Dino love. He knows the arm makes the music.
And then we rest. Molly snuggles under Sandy’s clothes.
So much peace when that little rigid, squirming body goes heavy in my lap.
And when he wakes and the pattern of my jumper is ingrained in his face and he’s all warm and dazed with sleep.
And making sure I’m still there.
Sometimes I can’t believe anyone this perfect could exist.
I love it when the family rests together. Maybe everything will be okay after all.
We went for a walk for a bit of fresh air and to take advantage of the sun.
It’s incredible that this is the first time he has been on grass. I showed him how to touch it, he stroked it, then grabbed. Little blades among his chubby, dextrous fingers.
Soon he will have his very own grass.
Hat – Granny Knit; Cardigan – St. Enoch Christmas Market
Daddy picked him a daisy.
Sometimes things get very heavy and it’s incredibly hard to keep trudging on. When things are like that it seems like there is no escape route and no end in sight. And to be honest I don’t know when the end of this will come, or if it ever will, and that is horribly frightening.
But I see my boys, and I know I will keep going. There might not be much good in the world and that can weigh on a person, but when you do have this much goodness right in front of you it’s simple again.
Little moments. Small things. They bring back direction.
It’s hard when it’s tough for us both, when one falls and the other – in the process of saving them – trips up too. So many vicious circles and hidden traps and regressions. Yes, things can get dark and they do and it hurts more than any pain imaginable. But now that two are three there is always something worth fighting for.